wow. i just got back from the Gordon Globes. i am, for once in my life, wearing a dress; i wore heels down there. the Gordon Globes are a mock-up of the golden globes: they show student-made videos, and vote on the best. most people dress up. it seems to me as if most girls, at least, love any excuse to wear pretty, flattering (and often not quite modest) dresses. and lots of makeup and hairspray and ridiculously high heels. my shoes weren't high, but oh golly are they hard to walk in.
the videos were really good. they were hilarious. they were well-made. the one that won overall was called Mouse: a mockery of House, in which Mouse is a computer doctor. it was hilarious and very well done. i'm glad i went just because the videos were so good. they made me laugh very much, so i am pleased. but it did feel weird; i always feel odd among people in very fancy clothes, especially since i never go the whole nine yards with the hair and makeup and etc. i almost wish i had just worn normal clothes, or at least not worn heels. walking up and down a hill in heels... ugh.
now for the rant that has been trying to come out: why people (girls) dress up the way they do. what's the point in wearing a ridiculously fancy dress and high heels? i guess very often they wear dresses that are much more flattering than their normal clothes; but some certainly don't. and most of the dresses are fairly revealing. and uncomfortable. and cold. so why dress up? i've heard people say it's fun; to that i ask why? what makes it fun? people say it's fun because they feel beautiful, and maybe for some people that's true. but every time i've dressed up for something, i don't feel beautiful. i usually feel stupid and ugly. dresses don't make me feel pretty. especially since so many others are in all their crazy pretty dresses, and they actually sometimes do look good. so, i don't find dressing up fun, nor does it make me feel beautiful. so i ask, what's the point? as far as i can see, there is none. absolutely no good reason. so why does a piece of me feel sad at this? some part of me wishes i like dressing up; wishes it was fun; wishes it made me feel beautiful. why do i feel so insignificant?
Friday, October 27, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
back from olin again.
once again i return to gordon from visiting olin. once again i am glad to know who i know. once again i wonder what my life would have been like, only to shake my head because that is something i don't want to imagine. once again i am struck by the kindness and openness to new faces, by the huge hugs and happy smiles, by the sense that one is loved because one is.
i only wish i knew people better - never worse. i only wish i saw people more often - never less. i only wish for more. i never wish for less. ever. at olin i am reminded that i matter, that others matter, that i matter to others, and that others matter to me. please say hi. please come by. and if you don't, i will... someday. when i can. because olin makes me smile inside.
red sky shimmering, deep sky glowing, music strumming in my ears,
blue sky brightening, deep sky fleeing, music playing all around,
gold sky sparkling, deep sky closing, music soaring in and out,
through the clouds and falling stars
through the trees and flowers
through the seas and waving winds
through the space and hours
i've been photoshopping for hours this afternoon and evening - for an assignment, not for fun. and i'm tired of doing it. i'm also just tired. i wish i could go on a hug round and gather goodness so i can sleep. my roommate is playing very nice, mellow, happy-me acoustic guitar music. i like it. it makes me want to sing, to create, to dance, to just sit with my eyes closed and melt into a starry sky. i would float up, towards the open spaces, and it would be warm and comforting. all around the stars shine and wink, and their light is exhilarating and soothing all at once. all around is the deepest, richest blue imaginable, with a river - a road - of silvery gold light leading from the moon through to the depths of the fullest emptiness. that is my path - down the river into the ocean of solid nothingness. and it's most beautiful. shalom.
i only wish i knew people better - never worse. i only wish i saw people more often - never less. i only wish for more. i never wish for less. ever. at olin i am reminded that i matter, that others matter, that i matter to others, and that others matter to me. please say hi. please come by. and if you don't, i will... someday. when i can. because olin makes me smile inside.
red sky shimmering, deep sky glowing, music strumming in my ears,
blue sky brightening, deep sky fleeing, music playing all around,
gold sky sparkling, deep sky closing, music soaring in and out,
through the clouds and falling stars
through the trees and flowers
through the seas and waving winds
through the space and hours
i've been photoshopping for hours this afternoon and evening - for an assignment, not for fun. and i'm tired of doing it. i'm also just tired. i wish i could go on a hug round and gather goodness so i can sleep. my roommate is playing very nice, mellow, happy-me acoustic guitar music. i like it. it makes me want to sing, to create, to dance, to just sit with my eyes closed and melt into a starry sky. i would float up, towards the open spaces, and it would be warm and comforting. all around the stars shine and wink, and their light is exhilarating and soothing all at once. all around is the deepest, richest blue imaginable, with a river - a road - of silvery gold light leading from the moon through to the depths of the fullest emptiness. that is my path - down the river into the ocean of solid nothingness. and it's most beautiful. shalom.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
brain dump
it's odd how surroundings define levels of complication and stress. like now, here, i just had my second test for the week earlier today, and i have two essays to right this weekend, and i'm starting to stress. ok, i'm stressing. and it feels like a lot. BUT, if i take a step back and look at me at this time one year ago, i thought i was dying. literally. this is nothing compared to a year ago. i can eat and sleep perfectly normally, and i do have free time that doesn't feel guilty, and life is amazingly simple, and i like most of my homework.
it's already mid-october. i've been here well over a month, but it doesn't feel like it. at all. nope. i still feel like a newbie, like a visitor. i'm still in a shiny bubble from which everything takes on a sheen of unreality. i'm not sticking. and every once in a while - lately more often - out flies the bubble and floats wide, "the mirror crack'd from side. the curse has come upon me! cried the lady of shalott." and i start going nuts. my insides twitch. my brain twitches. and i retreat more and more into the dream world i spent so much time wandering in during high school. except now i hate that dream world, so even when i'm there, i'm fighting it, wishing i were in reality. but, as augustine points out, wishing is not the same as willing. i've got self-control, wishes, desires, dreams, but my will is weak. habits are strong, but my will is a wimp. so things don't change like i want them to. and, of course, to make a will stronger, you must use it. wishing won't help it at all. catch 22. that's me.
not to mention that i'm not contented. or at peace. i'm not awful, but i'm stagnant. not very happy with myself right now. there are times - very short ones, mind you - when i want to go back to the complete instability and angst of last year, just for something to be happening. but that's impossible. and it hurt too much. i'd rather things just get better. but i don't know what to do to fix things. what will help? what will stir up my pond so that it moves and changes and is interesting. but alas, i have no answer.
it's already mid-october. i've been here well over a month, but it doesn't feel like it. at all. nope. i still feel like a newbie, like a visitor. i'm still in a shiny bubble from which everything takes on a sheen of unreality. i'm not sticking. and every once in a while - lately more often - out flies the bubble and floats wide, "the mirror crack'd from side. the curse has come upon me! cried the lady of shalott." and i start going nuts. my insides twitch. my brain twitches. and i retreat more and more into the dream world i spent so much time wandering in during high school. except now i hate that dream world, so even when i'm there, i'm fighting it, wishing i were in reality. but, as augustine points out, wishing is not the same as willing. i've got self-control, wishes, desires, dreams, but my will is weak. habits are strong, but my will is a wimp. so things don't change like i want them to. and, of course, to make a will stronger, you must use it. wishing won't help it at all. catch 22. that's me.
not to mention that i'm not contented. or at peace. i'm not awful, but i'm stagnant. not very happy with myself right now. there are times - very short ones, mind you - when i want to go back to the complete instability and angst of last year, just for something to be happening. but that's impossible. and it hurt too much. i'd rather things just get better. but i don't know what to do to fix things. what will help? what will stir up my pond so that it moves and changes and is interesting. but alas, i have no answer.
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