AAAAAHHH!!

Wow, so Sunday has passed, and apparently Olin's first commencement went just fine, but I wasn't there so I'll have to trust those who were there. I'm sad I missed it.

Yesterday we had a "party" here, and I played badminton for over 4 hours, practically non-stop. Oh what fun. I need to do that more often.

Today's blah. I miss people. I want at least nine hugs (from nine different people) before I go to bed, but that's impossible. So I'm sad.

I need something to do that will invariably cheer me up...

suzuki

aahh! my sister's practicing the accompaniment for a suzuki string recital. oh, golly. it brings back such painful memories; i recognize every single song she's playing... and it's been so long that i feel old. ouch. remember perpetual motion? such a boring song; played that for my first violin recital.

and i've just discovered writing backwards on aim. interesting.

olin's first class is graduating on sunday... so weird. and i won't be there to see it. to olin seniors who read this: i love you all! big hugs! and go make the world a better place. to non-olin seniors, tell the seniors how awesome they are... and generally make their graduation the best ever. and big hugs to you, too! somebody send me pictures...

impressive ugliness

i have found the UGLIEST female EVER. this painting inspires revulsion; find at your own risk. honestly, i never dreamed anyone could look this hideous; i hope it wasn't modeled after a real person. it's the ugly duchess painted by quintin matsys. tenniel used her as his model for the ugly duchess in alice in wonderland. she's horrid. she looks like a really ugly man. uggh. i don't think even a mother could love a child like this. and i'm pretty sure that even bad eye-sight wouldn't be enough to render this duchess agreeable in appearance.

i think the ugly duchess defines ugly. yechh.

very random

first job interview tomorrow morning. hope it goes well.

found a bunch of books i've been looking for... decent libraries (and good ones) make me smile.

i don't sing much anymore. went to the beach today with dawn and jeanne joe; it was misty and cool and grey and the waves were beautiful. beaches are rather introspective. got me thinking. about singing, for some reason. and i don't sing anymore. i'm not in choir, but even apart from that, i used to sing for fun. but i don't now. it seems - or so i have decided - that i take no pleasure in singing. i do not enjoy hearing myself sing (i never really have...), so i don't sing to hear myself. and i have nobody to sing for. no reason to sing. i am surrounded by people whose voices i would much rather listen to. and singing no longer brings release. i think i dislike my voice too much for it to bring release. so i do not sing for myself. and there is no one else to sing for. so, i don't sing anymore. this makes me a little sad inside. i belong on a grey and misty beach with roaring waves and dimpled sand and cliffs and rough rocks, with birds screaming at each other. i should be walking alone this lonely beach, all alone.

more recording

so, we're going to record some more. on monday, we're headed back to eureka. hopefully we'll finish all 2 or 3 songs... last time we took all day to record 1 song. yeah, recording's amazingly time-consuming. but it should be good. it will be fun. and i'm going to ask if i can play one of the basses at the store... maybe the one with the really long fingerboard. mmm.

in othe news... you know when you hear something that turns your world inside out? the sort of thing you NEVER expected to hear, that hurts so much inside? much as i've conditioned myself to not be surprised by any "bad" news, or fresh reminder of human failings, it still bothers me. i still feel like my stomach is wrenched and twisted. especially because of reminders of the past, of my own failings. of the things i'm still too ashamed of to tell people about. and the perpetual thought: it could've been me. and what would i have done about it? agony. why are such awful, inexplicable things permitted to happen even to people with the best and purest intentions? why?

but at least it reminds me: love truly forgives. how refreshing that is! how could i survive otherwise? love trusts, hopes, perseveres... and even though those breakings hurt, love remains. and it's not the end of the world.

it frightens me. as much as i have already been broken, in some things i am still whole. as much as i have hurt, have wept, have given up, i've always been left with something, no matter how small. how would i respond if everything were taken? what would i do if the unbrokenness in my life were snapped into pieces? i just hope this never happens to me. who would sustain me?

*almost* rant

Whee! I've been accepted by Gordon College, so look out Boston - I'm coming back! And I've got some job apps turned in, so I'm waiting, hoping to hear from someone. And people are coming home for the summer. And the weather's still sunny. And the wisteria's still blooming. Dad and I just made cookie dough (not cookies - just dough) to eat. So things are going well.

I've been thinking a little about what makes something important to me, or what makes me care about something or someone. First of all is the typical reason: familiarity. If I'm around something or someone for a long time (example: my family), I get fond of them. It's like C.S. Lewis' definition of "affection." It has to do with becoming accustomed to a thing. It becomes a part of life as I know it, and if it was (or is) suddenly taken away, I realize I cared quite a bit. This even goes for things I try to ignore, or even actively dislike. Take, for example, my brother's goose. While I was here before school, I didn't like it. The goose is, quite simply, annoying. It won't shut up, ever. And it gets in the way, and is rather temperamental. But when I left home, I found myself actually *gasp* missing that stupid bird. I didn't like having it there, but having it not there? That was worse. And now that I'm back home, I don't mind it so much. He also just so happens to be mellowing with age... no more random charges or hissing fits. But I think I actually like that bird. If I can get this attached to a ridiculously annoying creature, how much more attached could I become to something pleasant, if it was always around? Scary thought.
The other main reason I've discovered for my "attachment" to things has to do with thoughts. Even if I've seen it only once, if I dwell on it, think about it constantly, or talk about it a LOT, I develop an attachment of sorts. I may even never see it again, but I still have this strange connection. Creepy, in a way. The biggest problem with this arises in the difference between expectation and reality. When I think so much about one thing, it develops in my mind. Its definition tends to become twisted. The less I actually know of it beforehand, the more it changes in my head. Then, if I see it again, I get thrown off-balance, because it's not at all what I thought it was. I get confused, frustrated, and think more in an attempt to identify what went wrong. I change the definition to be more closely aligned with reality, but inevitably, if I don't see it often, my definition wanders. But even with these disappointments in my accuracy, the act of meditating, if you will, on the object (or person) deepens my attachment to it. This is particularly dangerous if I don't want to like or be attached to it. The connections happens practically without my consent. It's rather frustrating. My mind does not wait for my consent before it does things. (I wonder why this is? Any neurological explanation? Or am I just, once again, imagining things?)
The worst attachments develop when there's some sort of combination of these two things: familiarity and thinking. If I'm around something quite often AND I'm thinking about it too much, well, things get complicated. In these cases, the best way too lessen my attachment is to stop thinking so much. Lessening how much or how often I see it doesn't affect this as much. I'm not sure why. I guess what I dwell on really is important. Very important. Oh, and one good affect familiarity has: it helps keep my mental definition accurate. It can limit exactly how much and what I can think about the item (or person). Of course, the extent to which this limits my imagination is dependent on how mysterious the person is to me; or how easy it is for me to read (correctly) their character.
And this, unfortunately, is difficult for me. I'm really bad at "reading" people. I like them to actually say things. Otherwise, I get confused. Or I just remain entirely ignorant. So basically, I need to learn to "take captive every thought" and not dwell on one thing or one person or one event. Must. Learn. Brain. Control.

random things

Yesterday, I drove the tractor. Dad needed some logs pulled out of the brush. I enjoy driving the tractor. It's really slow, but open, so you can see everything, and feel the breeze (and the mosquitoes), and it made me smile. For some reason, working out in the woods makes me think of Star Wars.

MJ's home! Yay! And she and Aile and Dawn and I are planning to put on a vocal workshop for some high-schoolers. Hopefully enough will do it to make it monetarily worth-while. I've also discovered that more of my friends will be here this summer than I initially thought. So hopefully, I'll have people to chill with.

A not-so-happy news item: I won't make it out to Olin's commencement. I'm really sorry, seniors; I really wanted to go. But I can't afford it. Neither I nor my family has any money to spend on plane tickets out there. I already owe my parents for my visit earlier. But I do have the date marked, and I will be thinking of you.

I discovered "Gollum's Song" last night. It's in the credits of Two Towers. I love it; so dark and dismal and lonely and bitter and beautiful. It's odd how even twisted and dank and shadowed things can appear beautiful, can still touch the insides of me. Maybe I'm morbid. Maybe I just like Gollum cause he amuses me.

The wisteria's blooming. Our yard is a sea of tall living green; I love long grass! And beef. Ooh, beef is good!

good weekend... I LOVE STEEL!!

Oh my goodness!! So lucky am I. So blessed. So amazing. Saturday my brother and I went down to HSU for a concert called: Master of the Steel Drum. Oh, man. It was the HSU calypso (steel) band - which is actually really good - and three guests. Liam Teague (called the Paganini of the Pan, cause he's just that good and that fast and insane and yeah, wow.), Cliff Alexis (the guy who made my high school's pans), and Ray Holman (practically the best composer for pans). All three guys have either written pieces for or been in the Panorama competition. If you don't know what Panorama is, you're not a steel fan. And you're missing out. It's the international steel band competition, held every year in Trinidad, the birthplace of the pan. So anyway, these three amazing players were there, and they played, and I was blown away. Liam played Cryin', and oh golly... The concert was over 2.5 hours, but totally worth it. Wonderful music, wonderful musicians, decent seats, and our tickets were a gift (which means free). What a concert.

I LOVE STEEL PANS!! I miss playing SO much. I wish pans were cheaper so I could buy one, and make a band to play random music, especially calypso. Back in high school, some of use talked about getting together a band and playing on cruise ships. If only I could find instruments and people, I would be totally willing to do that. It's horribly impractical, though. Sadness. But Saturday made me happy.

Then yesterday I spent the afternoon in a hammock by the river, basking in the sun. So good. So warm, and relaxing. It's good to have friends who live on the river.

And today I cut brush for over an hour. Also good.

So in the past few days, I've got my music, my sun and relaxation, and my destruction. It's all good now.

And my cousin's coming to visit soon... and bringing the RX-8, which he'll probably let me drive - in the redwoods, curvy roads - which will be a blast.