sad news

i just found out that my high school chemistry/physics teacher died. he was having surgery... clotted stent... didn't make it. this means that they'll have to find someone to replace him. sad. there just aren't any decent science teachers up here.

this is very odd. i don't like it. i'm not terribly suprised, for some reason. but my little sister's pretty upset. and it's a strange feeling. poor guy. it's times like these that i almost wish purgatory existed. he was a lonely man here, and i hate to think of death making things worse for him.

i have many fond memories of his classes. we used to drive him crazy, cause we'd talk to much. or sing. and, my junior year, whenever the choir had to leave, a full third of that class disappeared. it frustrated him so much, cause then it seemed pointless to teach anymore, cause a third of the class would need it gone over again. but he was mostly a good sport about it. we tended to do well enough in class. actually, we were some of the best students.

three years. i was in his class for three years. and i know so many other people who had him for a teacher. this is going to hit a lot of people. kyrie eleison.

home again

well, now, i am home. i sat in the san francisco airport for at least 7 hours between my flights. that was just too much. especially since i was tired - very tired - but unwilling to sleep in the airport. i had to keep myself awake. the flights themselves were just fine. i dozed, as usual. but, since i got next to no sleep last night, and not much any of the several nights before, i am very tired. in fact, i'm so tired that i probably should be sleeping instead of doing this. especially since it's essentially 2 am. silly 3 hour time difference.

on another note. life is good. or rather, the past two day have been good. the past day especially. i'm in a slightly catatonic but almost blissful state that i don't quite understand but i'm not going to question too much for fear of losing it. it's been too long since i've gotten a decent number of hugs. must fix that problem. i can't really think right now. my brain does that. if it's got something too complicated that it knows it can't figure out, it just shuts down most everything. i'm going to sleep. and perchance to dream beautiful dreams. je veux un homme. je suis sur le nuage neuf. je fais sommeil. a bientot!

have you ever FELT love? i just did...

"do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God."

and "if you fear, it's because you're trying to do your own thing."

and wholehearted, passionate, submission... it's all or nothing... and it's hard.

i'm scared. i can still think of excuses. but i'm not satisfied with where i am now, and my desire for someone who loved me jealously and unremittingly and completely and perfectly would be fulfilled. i'm still scared of being loved. and scared of loving. i just don't know how.

but... i want what they have too. and i have never ever felt my existence so validated, by one simple action and one simple sentence.

my heart yearns for so much more