Back from break... better?

Last week was Spring/Easter break. Classes resume tomorrow (Tuesday). I spent the time at a couple friends' houses, reading, watching movies, sleeping, pacing, petting a cat... It was the classic "relaxing" sort of break, with not much to do or (supposedly) to think about.

But.

I wish it hadn't been so long. Or, rather, I just somehow feel unsatisfied. Not because I wanted more sleep, but less. Not because I wanted to sit around more, but less. I want to stand, to move, to wander, to stride, to DO. Holding still for so long, where every day felt almost exactly like the one before, drains me. I know, it shouldn't. It's supposed to refresh, refuel, prepare for the final stretch. But I feel more worn down than I did before. More tired. More bored. More confused. I think I'll have a little trouble readjusting to the routine, and have even more trouble coercing myself to care about my studies.

Perhaps a weekend bookin' it around NYC is a good idea...

heading out

I'm off. On spring/Easter break. For over a week. I'll be relaxing, reading, hopefully writing and walking outside... and all that typical break stuff. Not really anything planned.

The quad has ended well. I stayed up far too late studying for both my midterms, and didn't do nearly as well on one as I could have, and it's sad that there are only 7 weeks of school before my closest friends graduate and move on. But my super-highly-electric-internally twitching state has mellowed. I had a nearly three hour long conversation with my sister, and several good (and unexpected!) conversations with other people. Now most everyone's gone, and it's my turn to leave.

I'm not sure what I want from this break. I feel like it'll be a bad length; just long enough to feel too short, too short to be long enough. I need to spend time outdoors to keep myself awake and alert. So we'll see how it goes.

I like watching people's faces when I tell them what Dad did for a living!

better now

Funny how a few good games of fuseball make everything better...

And perhaps a sign of some inward oddness that playing fuseball cheers up a bad mood better than conversation or a book or music, or even a walk outside. Sometimes I worry myself. Other times I just enjoy winning those 3 out of 3 and I grin like the Cheshire Cat.

Finally and Snow

I finally watched Life is Beautiful yesterday. It has been on me list several years. I found it incredibly uplifting, beautiful, and bittersweet; definitely a well used two hours. Then I saw/heard a live performance of Faure's Requiem tonight. It's haunting. His music is carefully crafted, with every note necessary and beautiful. More well-spent time.

It snowed again last night, quietly. And I was out walking in it at 4am. No snowplow desecration had yet occurred, so the roads and paths were pure, blank, shining white. Our footprints behind us were the only ones. We walked over new ground. The cold and snow were expectant, listening, the wind impatient, whistling, our path beckoning, crunching.

I love being up when the sky fades from night to deep blue, minute by minute lightening as dawn approaches. I love the feel in the air that early in the morning; it's fresh, clean, waiting, pure, joyful, full of anticipation and hope.

When I grow up, I want to live where it snows.

from February 24

Be still.
Silence your murmuring mind
Hush the whispering doubts of your heart.
Be still.
A rumbling heater warms the air noisily,
footsteps break through the night,
and a fly, alone, buzzes and bashes itself against the window.
Yet be still.
Your stomach gurgles angrily, begging sustinence,
and a draft whisks past your neck, drawing shivers,
and your mind, whirling, dashes from corner to edge without slowing.
Yet be still.
Be still.
Still.
Now. Here. Present. In. Not was, or will, but is. Are. Fully here.
Slow... Spiral in, pull thoughts down from the sky, up from the grave.
All to here. Now. Mortal meets Immortal.
In the stillness.
Be still.
And know -
Thinking again? Doesn't help the knowing. Stop the disjointed, broken thoughts.
Pause. Dwell on the Immortal.
And know -
Not of you, but of Other.
Given, not taken. Free, not charged. Hold still, I'm trying
to bless you, and you keep dodging me.
Please. Child. Beloved.
Listen. Stop talking, so I can speak.
Be still.
For me.