...homesick

I just read Five Little Peppers and How They Grew. I hadn't read it in years, and its effect has been quite simple: now I am homesick.

I miss the trees, the Pacific, the mountains. I miss my house, the yard, the rock walls, my room. I miss my family: my parents, both sisters, brother. I changed my desktop to a picture of the house reflected in the pond Dad made. And, looking at it, I remember the chill and damp and sharpness of the air as I stood at the edge of the yard, taking a picture of the proof that the strange shape Dad made the pond in is brilliance rather than sloppiness or insanity. I remember the thin, bright winter sunlight on the redwoods. The drops of dew on the grass where the sun never burned it off, and the sound my feet made in the damp. I miss the warmth of a fire. The laughter of my family. The seriousness and faith of our prayers. The joy and intelligence of our games. The piano. The thick carpet. The cool marble. The smell of our Douglas fir Christmas tree, and the shimmer of tinsel in the sun. (Oh! the scents of home! Cities reek compared to the spice and depth of that redwood clearing. Even the ocean out there breathes life and refreshing and salt. It makes your nose tingle and your body smile.)

Once a year is not enough to satisfy my love for my family. Yes, they have telephones. But there's something special about us all (or at least most) gathered in one place. I'm sure when we kids were little, it wasn't so beautiful. We argued, there were tensions, of course. But as each year passes, it gets better. We are all growing up, but not growing apart.

It's approaching Valentine's Day. I've never celebrated this holiday; I've expressed my dislike for it many times and to many people. But this year, I wish I could have a Valentine's Day - with my family.

But I can't. I'm here in Massachusetts, my brother's in Indiana, my little sister is in Texas, and my older sister and parents are in California. Too far apart. So I'll try to un-homesick myself by remembering them, being thankful for them, talking to them... and hope this sadness passes.