I went to a wedding today. It's the first one I've been to since... summer of 2006. Four years. The wedding itself was beautiful. Merely receiving the invitation was an honour and encouragement, and I loved the service.
And the reception was fine, too - until the dancing started.
This is always the story, no?
People dance, I don't. They get in a pack, and jump and twist and do all kinds of other things and call it dancing, and I sit. It's always awkward, and I'm not exactly fond of being the odd one out, but that's the way it is. And sometimes it's not so bad. I wasn't the only one not dancing, so I had company.
But then I was asked why I wasn't dancing: did I think it wasn't moral?
Wait.
That's what people think, isn't it? If a young person, all dressed up, isn't dancing, it must be because they think it's immoral, and are judging all the people who are. And there you have it. THIS is why I hate dancing - not because it offends me, but because my choice to not participate leads others to decide (or assume) that I am offended.
Do I think dancing is immoral? Very few activities, in themselves, can be considered truly immoral. Drinking? It depends. Criticism? Also depends. Even sex, that big red flag word, in itself is far from immoral. The morality of activities is situational - it depends on the when, how, and why. When/where is it being done? How? In what manner? Why? For what reason? What is the person's attitude or intention? Is someone drinking a glass of wine with their dinner, or are they guzzling whiskey every night until they get sick or pass out? If someone is dancing in a night club, and their manner and intention is focused on the purpose of titillation, of arousal, then no, I'm not ok with that. But a bunch of young people rocking out? Who I am to judge? So I don't.
I also don't join them. But that's because I don't like to. I don't enjoy "dancing" in that crazy group. Don't get me wrong - I feel the beat and rhythm perfectly fine, and far better than many who love dancing - I'm just not free or happy doing it. So I don't.
But I hate not dancing, because I get this vibe of judgment - towards me. How ironic is that? The one sitting down feels judged. I feel measured and found wanting, boxed up, labelled, and set aside. I feel evaluated and type-cast: no fun, not worth spending time with. And this hurts. People trying to persuade me to dance only makes it worse, because when you beg me to come out and dance I hear that I'm really only worth while as a person and friend if I join. I feel judged. Even if people aren't consciously thinking "oh, she's sitting down, she must be a boring person," they're still, somewhere, judging me that way.
Now, if I actually knew how to dance - swing, foxtrot, merengue and the like - and the music allowed, and someone else knew how, I'd LOVE to dance. It's the I'm-just-going-to-stand-up-there-and-move-however-I-feel-and-call-it-dancing that I don't like. I hate pretending. If I can't dance, then I can't dance, and I'm not going to fake otherwise. I hate deception.
I've also had unpleasant reactions and responses to modern-day party dancing. No matter what people declare about the innocence of it, I've watched enough to know that it's not always (read: not inherently) innocent. I've seen the way some guys watch the girls shake it. I've heard comments. And I do NOT want someone looking at me that way, or saying those kinds of things about and to me. Now, perhaps church people are safe. But it's not a risk I'm willing to take. I could dance if no one could see me, but not for all the world to see.
Yet. My simple stillness is not understood. I am not understood. And once again I see the gaping chasm between me and normal people, and I am at a loss how to bridge it. I can speak with individuals about it, and then they will understand at least some, but what to do about everyone else? Yeah, just don't worry about what they think. I've heard that piece of advice before. It's not that easy. And people wonder why I'm not more social... it's because I feel judged and looked down upon by them because I don't act the way they do. But I need to be more social. I need (and want) to learn how to begin and build relationships with people, and this is terribly difficult if the people you want to befriend think you think that they act immorally and are judging them. And I can't just begin everything with a disclaimer of "I don't dance, but it doesn't bother me that you do, so don't judge me because you think I'm judging you."
Argle. I'd rather be in the band.
3 comments:
Definitely an interesting read - thanks, Suzanne. If you ever do want a lesson in swing or blues, I would be happy to oblige.
I'm totally with you on the idea that very few things are inherently immoral. I like to think of it as a matter of priority. Dancing is a beautiful thing when done before the Lord, but if your priority is *ahem* shall we say the inappropriate attentions of others, not so much. Sex, as you mentioned, is a good thing, but if your selfish pleasure takes priority over God's plan and timing, that becomes sin. Ben Franklin said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy," but when the alcohol takes priority over your family or health, there's a problem.
I think that's the shift that came with Christ - instead of hard and fast rules, we were given freedom and entrusted with the wisdom to make good decisions. I have freedom to enjoy alcohol from time to time, but it would not be wise to do so in front of someone for whom it is a bad temptation.
Thanks for being a wallflower and sharing your thoughts with us. Always good to hear from you.
Wow. I'm sorry that it was so stressful. I can't dance either--but I just go out there and dance badly. But that's usually only when I feel comfortable and safe doing so.
*hug* I love you and don't think your value comes only from your conformity to certain social behaviors. I love your brilliant mind, our conversations, your love of Harry Potter, and yes...even though I tease you for it...the quirky way you speak Anguish Languish and convert me into understanding it. ;)
Can't wait to see you in a week or so! <3 Amy
ahh, Snuzie! If I'd been there, I'd have been holding a finger dance all my own on the table. surely you could have joined that... but then, anytime I've been around social dancing I've always had an excuse to sit it out. most recently "I'm not strong enough..." but then, the last time was in Canada - Punjabi dance party! I don't think you'd mind that so much... I agree, though, that it's much better if it's something a little more organized than the bopping around however you feel like it sort of thing. I'd also rather be in the band.~D.
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