fireworks hatred

I should not have gone.

I didn't want to go. Why did I go anyway? I shouldn't have. Last year should have clued me in. That and all of my past: even when people are there, I'm alone. And the aloneness is made much less bearable by the presence of others. And I'm always alone around them. When will I learn?

It was too smoky for me to keep my eyes open, so I put a blanket over my head, closed my eyes, and waited for the fireworks to end. So I didn't see them. But there was still too much smoke. Now my eyes hurt, my lungs hurt, and once again I have deep regrets to add to my ever-growing pile.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight.