*almost* rant

Whee! I've been accepted by Gordon College, so look out Boston - I'm coming back! And I've got some job apps turned in, so I'm waiting, hoping to hear from someone. And people are coming home for the summer. And the weather's still sunny. And the wisteria's still blooming. Dad and I just made cookie dough (not cookies - just dough) to eat. So things are going well.

I've been thinking a little about what makes something important to me, or what makes me care about something or someone. First of all is the typical reason: familiarity. If I'm around something or someone for a long time (example: my family), I get fond of them. It's like C.S. Lewis' definition of "affection." It has to do with becoming accustomed to a thing. It becomes a part of life as I know it, and if it was (or is) suddenly taken away, I realize I cared quite a bit. This even goes for things I try to ignore, or even actively dislike. Take, for example, my brother's goose. While I was here before school, I didn't like it. The goose is, quite simply, annoying. It won't shut up, ever. And it gets in the way, and is rather temperamental. But when I left home, I found myself actually *gasp* missing that stupid bird. I didn't like having it there, but having it not there? That was worse. And now that I'm back home, I don't mind it so much. He also just so happens to be mellowing with age... no more random charges or hissing fits. But I think I actually like that bird. If I can get this attached to a ridiculously annoying creature, how much more attached could I become to something pleasant, if it was always around? Scary thought.
The other main reason I've discovered for my "attachment" to things has to do with thoughts. Even if I've seen it only once, if I dwell on it, think about it constantly, or talk about it a LOT, I develop an attachment of sorts. I may even never see it again, but I still have this strange connection. Creepy, in a way. The biggest problem with this arises in the difference between expectation and reality. When I think so much about one thing, it develops in my mind. Its definition tends to become twisted. The less I actually know of it beforehand, the more it changes in my head. Then, if I see it again, I get thrown off-balance, because it's not at all what I thought it was. I get confused, frustrated, and think more in an attempt to identify what went wrong. I change the definition to be more closely aligned with reality, but inevitably, if I don't see it often, my definition wanders. But even with these disappointments in my accuracy, the act of meditating, if you will, on the object (or person) deepens my attachment to it. This is particularly dangerous if I don't want to like or be attached to it. The connections happens practically without my consent. It's rather frustrating. My mind does not wait for my consent before it does things. (I wonder why this is? Any neurological explanation? Or am I just, once again, imagining things?)
The worst attachments develop when there's some sort of combination of these two things: familiarity and thinking. If I'm around something quite often AND I'm thinking about it too much, well, things get complicated. In these cases, the best way too lessen my attachment is to stop thinking so much. Lessening how much or how often I see it doesn't affect this as much. I'm not sure why. I guess what I dwell on really is important. Very important. Oh, and one good affect familiarity has: it helps keep my mental definition accurate. It can limit exactly how much and what I can think about the item (or person). Of course, the extent to which this limits my imagination is dependent on how mysterious the person is to me; or how easy it is for me to read (correctly) their character.
And this, unfortunately, is difficult for me. I'm really bad at "reading" people. I like them to actually say things. Otherwise, I get confused. Or I just remain entirely ignorant. So basically, I need to learn to "take captive every thought" and not dwell on one thing or one person or one event. Must. Learn. Brain. Control.