orchestra and the little people

Opening night's tomorrow. Tonite was a pseudo-performance; eighth graders comprised our audience. It went well - they laughed, they clapped. The orchestra's coming together. We're finally figuring out where everything goes, and when, and how. According to all reports, we sound good.

I think I've figured out why I love being in the orchestra so much. I'm one of those strange all-or-nothing creatures when it comes to the attentions of others. If I can't be the center, I prefer the invisible. If I ever was in a play, I wouldn't be content to be Townsperson, or Officer #2. I'd want to be a lead. Or nothing. Or backstage. Or better yet, the orchestra. It's absolutely necessary for the success of a musical, but you don't focus on it. In fact, many overlook it. You can hear the results of my labor, but me? You ignore me. As far as you, the audience, knows, I don't exist. And that's just how I like it. Either give me real attention, or don't even look at me. But, I must do something. And make it something useful, for goodness sakes. I love the feeling of doing something absolutely critical, but not being noticed by anybody. It's like: "I just made this possible, but nobody knows it. No one will disturb my peace with comments or criticisms; they'll just enjoy what they see without thinking about who made it possible. Yes. Another proof to myself of the worth of my existence." Is this a normal perspective? Are most people all or nothings? Maybe I'm the victim of a strange psychosis. Maybe, deep inside me, is an attention-loving extrovert. Maybe I'm just kidding myself, and what I really think is something entirely different. But I don't think so. I think it's partly the result of years of feeling wallflower-ish. I'd rather be invisible than seen but passed over. If I am seen, I want to actually be seen, not just glanced at. See me, not just my surface. Or don't bother even looking. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense, or if this is justified; but it's how I feel most of the time. I've always felt sorry for extras in movies or plays - exactly who they are matters not one jot. All that matters is that a person is standing there to provide a backdrop for the main, the real characters. Ah, well. This is why I'm in the orchestra. And a major reason for why I've never auditioned for a real play. If I was handed a little part, I'd probably reject it. And let's face it, the chances of me getting a real part are next to nil. So orchestra on.

Besides, what is life without music?