blah. a pox on the confusion of life.

wow. in a somewhat depressed state right now; i'm not quite sure why. today's been decent. nice weather again. of course, i'm beginning to feel ill - blame it on family members. and i slept very very little last night. and had some good conversations with cool people. so why do i feel so blah? is it cause i still can't find a good reason for my being here? because i still have no reason for anything? perhaps i'm getting discouraged by the lack of answers. perhaps this is just me coming down with a cold. perhaps it's just the other extreme after a few times of crazy laughter and feeling like my family's much more of a family than it ever has been. perhaps i'm also jealous of other people having a good time, being busy, being around lots of people their own age who they can talk to and connect with and just plain have fun around. i am olin-sick. but is that all that's wrong with me? i don't know.

i definitely envy all you who are enjoying your lives right now. so sad, i've spent so much of my life wanting something i didn't have (lightheartedness, fun, friends, popularity, money, purpose, etc.). for a while i was fairly content. content to be mediocre - but only because everyone else was so amazing (i mean you, olin people). content that i was ok, that i wasn't despised, that i might actually matter. but now, that nice easy contentment is gone. don't know where it went. i want it back. or at least, i want something.

there's still something missing in my life. perhaps many somethings. but how can you find something if you don't know what it looks like?